Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
