oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking