Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket