Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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