Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
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Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
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Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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