bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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