anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
