Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My cat gives me a boner
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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