I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
