Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
