Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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