i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
