I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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