I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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