if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just found puke in my bra..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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