I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I need a burrito and a hug.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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