Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
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usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.