Don't make out with my wife yet
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
