1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
