make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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