i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
