I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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