cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
