Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
