i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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