I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
