Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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