Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm both gender and math confused
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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