Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
