Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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