Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
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Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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