I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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