Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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