My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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