There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
