I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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