I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
