I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
