Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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