Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
