and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
