Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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