I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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