I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
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