literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
