rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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