Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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