so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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