i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
