I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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