turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
