everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Randomize
