Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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