apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
