I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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