My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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