So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
