Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
