Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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