I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
