I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
