Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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