I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
