I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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